


they come to your dreams with illusions

by superdanvers



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, another fix it fix, way better than whatever shit jrot is gonna pull
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-27 09:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6279622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superdanvers/pseuds/superdanvers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the City of Light crumbled around her, Clarke finally allowed the tears to fall.<br/>***<br/>Clarke defeats the City of Light and wakes up to a world different than she remembers. <br/>***<br/>aka clarke finally got that favour the universe owed her cashed in from saving her people all those times<br/>fix it fic for the mess jrot created.  set after s3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. be the one to take my soul and make it undone

**Author's Note:**

> so i was thinking and i had this terrible thought and it got carried away into this fic so   
> shoutout to tara for screaming about this with me  
> trigedasleng in conversation is in italics  
> title from firewall by les friction   
> chapter title from hometown by twenty one pilots

As the City of Light crumbled around her, Clarke finally allowed the tears to fall.  
///  
Clarke awoke not knowing where she was. All she knew was that her face was wet with tears and her heart felt shattered beyond repair. She takes a deep breath and uses it to let the sob escape from her chest. Clarke hugged her knees to her chest and cried. She has yet to open her eyes, but recognizes the feel of the Ark’s med bay beds beneath her. Clarke’s tears were beginning to soak her pants when she heard the med bay door slide open and her mother's voice calling to her. 

“Clarke. Clarke! What’s wrong, are you okay?” Her mother crossed the room towards her. Hands wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her head away from her knees and setting it in the crook of her neck. Clarke threw her hands around her mother’s neck and hugged her tightly. Abby began to rub her back soothingly. “Shh Clarke, it’s okay. You’re safe. You did it.” 

Clarke heard the door slide open once more and more people enter the room. She tried to pull herself together. Crying in front of her mum was okay, but she wouldn’t let herself sob with a crowd of people. 

Clarke recognized the voices of all her friends when they first walked into the med bay, but they had all quietened when they saw her crying. Once she felt she had emotions under control enough Clarke opened her eyes and readied herself to face the group of people she had risked life and limb to save. 

The first thing Clarke saw after watching Lexa disintegrate into nothing was her mother’s worried face. Her eyes bore into hers, filled with concern. Clarke managed to give her a little nod and a watery smile before looking at the other occupants of the room. 

She sees Monty first, standing off to the side of the group, his floppy hair in his eyes and his face twisted in concern. Beside Monty is Raven, leaning slightly on her right leg but with a smile on her face. Clarke feels herself smile at her friend not being in much pain. Bellamy stands in the middle of the group, and Clarke feels herself stiffen when she sees him. Not matter what he did afterwards, she thinks a part of her will never forgive him for slaughtering that army. Octavia stands beside her brother, looking the perfect image of Grounder stoicism. The last person in the room caused Clarke to gasp in shock. It couldn’t be real. 

“Lincoln?” she breathed, not trusting what she saw. Raven barked out a laugh. 

“Of all the things,” she said. “Clarke comes out from kicking a holograms ass and her first word is Octavia’s boyfriend’s name.” Monty and Bellamy both reach out and smack Raven at the same time, causing Clarke even more confusion.  
“I don’t understand,” she started. “How are you alive? Why isn’t Bellamy in lock up? How are you guys even in the same room together?” Everyone in the room stared at her like she was crazy, and Clarke wasn’t about to disagree with them. Her heart still felt empty, even though she was victorious. It didn’t seem worth it, to destroy the place where Lexa had been able to live on. She did it for her people, as she always did, but now she was done. Clarke couldn’t continue saving her people if the price was Lexa. She couldn’t lose anymore; she didn’t have anything left. 

The med bay slide open a third time in the past two minutes and Clarke felt like screaming. This time it was Kane who ran in, looking frazzled. “Jaha started screaming some gibberish so I figured Clarke did it but I had to see for myself she was awake.” Kane stopped halfway between Abby and the group, taking in the aura of the room. “What happened, what went wrong?” 

Abby looked back at Clarke, trying her hardest to understand why her daughter was so upset. “Clarke, what’s the last thing you remember?” Clarke took a deep breath to steady herself before she began. 

“Murphy and I weren’t safe in the capital with Ontari in charge, we had to flee after the conclave. Murphy wanted to find Emori and the last he heard she was heading to Arkadia. But with the blockade and kill order we couldn’t get in easily. Murphy considered leaving altogether and finding some place else to live but we had to overthrow Pike and stop a war so I wouldn’t let him leave. We managed to sneak in through that passage and stop Pike but then Jaha and his chips took over. I agreed to take one to shut it down and woke up after doing so.” 

Everyone was staring at her. It was unsettling after a while, and Clarke expected someone to break the silence, but they all continued to stare at her with gaping mouths. After another moment of silence they all spoke out at once. 

“Who is Ontari-”  
“Conclave-”  
“Murphy-”  
“Pike-”  
“Kill order-” 

“Shut up!” Abby snapped at the group, silencing them immediately. She turned back to Clarke. “Clarke, that’s not what happened. Are you sure that wasn’t the City of Light?” Clarke could feel panic rising in her chest, but wouldn’t, couldn’t, entertain the thoughts. 

“No, that has to be what happened. I lived through it. I remember taking the chip. I did it here, in this bed. That all happened. Lincoln died. Pike died. Lexa died. It all happened you can’t say it didn’t I saw it happen mum it’s too horrible to be fake it has to be real this is fake this is the dream I’m still in the City of Light I thought I destroyed it Lexa died it had to be gone but why am I still here if Lexa isn’t!” Clarke paused for a breathe, but couldn’t get any air into her lungs. Her chest felt like it was compacting together. She had no coherent train of thought, just the absence of Lexa that will never be filled again. 

“Clarke, Clarke I need you to breathe okay?” Abby said softly, rubbing her back. “Just breathe, in and out. Focus on my voice okay. In and out.” Clarke willed herself to follow her mother's instructions, to slow her breathing and get her thoughts under control. Her heartbeat was wild in her veins, a nonstop drumming in her ears. Clarke focused on her heartbeat and breathing and shut out the murmurs of her peers around her. 

After a few minutes of regulated breathing and encouragement from her mother Clarke was able to calm down from her panicked state. “Okay,” she started. “Why don't we try this again. You tell me what happened, from the beginning.”  
///  
It came back slowly, in pieces. 

They took turns telling her what happened, the world she couldn’t remember. Raven said it was most likely ALIE screwing with her mind, manipulating her world so that she would fail. She had access to Clarke’s memories when she had taken the chip, along with all of the other Skaikru that had taken it. It was relatively easy for a psychotic artificial intelligence to create an alternate reality in Clarke’s head tailored to her worst fears. It was a smart plan, too bad it didn’t work out. 

Clarke still had left after the mountain. Clarke always left after the mountain. She wonders if in some alternate universe out there she didn’t feel horrible enough to stay at Camp Jaha and avoid the whole wanheda thing. She doubts it, because as Dante told her leaders bear it so their people won’t have to, and Clarke leads in every possible way. She would have to be heartless not to lead or people, or to not care about the genocide she committed for them. 

Lexa still sent Roan to bring her to Polis. She sends Indra to Arkadia, but they don’t meet Pike on their failed rescue attempt. In fact, Pike doesn’t seem to exist. Clarke has never felt more relieved than when Kane explained they were only able to save a handful of people who crashed in the Ice Nation, and none of them were Charles Pike. 

Skaikru still became the thirteenth clan in the coalition. Markus shows Clarke the mark on his arm, the symbol that meant peace for her people, for everyone. And when they said they were still a part of the coalition, still the thirteenth clan, Clarke felt tears fill her eyes once again, the sweet feeling of relief in her heart. 

The mountain didn’t self destruct. Echo came to trick them, but only Octavia was sent to warn Polis. The others, fearing an attack on the mountain more likely an attack on the capital, searched the mountain for the assassin. He was found, apprehended, and sent to Polis to deal with along with Echo. They were executed as a betrayal of the coalition, much to the Ice Queen’s chagin. The mountain remains standing to this day, with Lexa allowing Skaikru to use its medical resources but forbidding any type of colonization. The mountain would remain empty as a tribute to all the people that lost their lives in its halls. 

Nia still attempted a coup. She called a vote of no confidence the day after Echo and her assassin were executed, anger and distrust filling the air of the throne room. It proved to be unsuccessful when Clarke voted for Lexa to stay as commander. She duels Roan, and she kills Nia in retaliation. Clarke felt the same debilitating fear when Lincoln said there was a duel, but it was twice as strong and for a moment she forgot how to breathe. It was as if the emotions she felt in both circumstances were playing in her heart and the overwhelming need to see Lexa safe and unharmed was immense. 

No army was slaughtered by Skaikru. Clarke demanded Bellamy swear he never did or feel he needed to kill grounders before they killed him and when he did she found she could breathe easier. 

Jaha came back to Arkadia causing trouble. His City of Light chips became such a problem that Abby sent Octavia to Polis to see if Lexa had ever seen anything like this before. Around the same time Murphy was captured and brought to Polis. He cooperated well enough and was able to give them the information they needed. Combining everything they knew, Clarke and Lexa were able to come up with a plan. Clarke would destroy the City of Light from the inside.  
///  
Clarke’s mind felt fuzzy and disconnected. She felt confused and and certain events would mix together in her mind. It was hard to separate the events the City of Light created in her mind and what had truly happened on earth. 

When the others had caught Clarke up to the present she noticed a gap in their story. Clarke was scared to bring it up, to acknowledge would to be to confirm it, and Clarke was terrified. She wouldn’t let herself have hope after the City of Light. But she had to know, so when the room went silent for the first time in hours, Clarke voiced her concern. 

“And Lexa, she’s not…” Clarke said slowly, afraid to say it. She had only voiced the harsh truth once, to her mother and Kane when she and Murphy had first arrived at Arkadia. The news surprisingly hadn’t reached them yet. She will never forget how much the three words hurt to get out. 

“Still in Polis, ruling the clans and all that commander stuff,” Raven replied, seemingly unknowing to Clarke’s internal conflict. Even with the verbal confirmation Clarke wouldn’t, couldn’t, believe it. 

“I need to get to Polis,” Clarke spoke abruptly, getting off the bed making a beeline for the door. Nearly everyone in the room immediately tried to stop her. 

“You most definitely are not!” Her mother shouted, reaching her first. She moved to tug her back into a bed, but Clarke wrestled her arm out of her grasp. 

“Yes I am,” she growled, mad that anyone is trying to stop her. 

“You can’t go to Polis now Clarke,” Bellamy said, using his body to block her from the door. Clarke felt rage bubble in her at the sight. 

“Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do, Blake” she sneered at him, stepping close to his face. “You slaughtered a peaceful army. You attacked a village. You got Lincoln killed, all because you couldn’t get your head far enough out of your ass to see the tyrant you were choosing to follow. You may blame me for leaving after Mount Weather, say people die when I lead, but you cause wars. At least my actions end them.” Clarke pulled away from Bellamy’s awestruck face to address the rest of the room. 

“I am going to Polis. Now. Don’t try and stop me.” Abby looked furious, but Clarke didn’t care. Nobody could stop her if Lexa was alive. 

“Why do you have to go now, Clarke?” Monty asked, trying not to anger her further. “Why can’t you wait the day. You’ve had a rough night, you deserve some rest.”

Clarke sighed. She knew this was coming, but naively thought she could get out of it. Sitting down on the nearest bed, Clarke put her face in her hands. 

“In the City of Light, Lexa...died. Her advisor shot her while trying to kill me, and she died in my arms. Then she was in the City of Light because the Commander’s Spirit is a bloody AI and I had to watch her die again. And now you're telling me she's not dead even though I've watched her die twice and I feel like I can't breathe until I see her living.” 

 

“Holy shit,” Clarke heard Octavia and Raven whisper to each other after everyone was silent for a moment. “Clarke is banging the Commander.” 

“Oh god,” Clarke said, standing up. “That’s it. I’m getting away from you guys. I’ll be back, but it’s a lot to take in. I still think of you guys as the people who needlessly killed grounders. And I know you didn’t do that here, but I can still remember it. It’s better for me to stay away while I reacquainted myself with this reality, okay?” Clarke looked her mother in the eyes as she finished her statement and watched her resolve fall away. Abby sighed, conceding to Clarke’s wishes. 

“Fine, but at least take Raven with you. She deserves to get out and see Polis, plus she can drive a rover. You can rest on the ride, please.” Clarke nodded in approval, and looked to Raven for her opinion. She shrugged. 

“I’m always down for a vacation.” Plan set, Clarke pulled her mother close and hugged her. 

“Thank you,” she whispered into her shoulder, and Clarke felt Abby’s arms tighten around her in response. 

“Be safe,” she told her once she ended the hug. “You too,” she pointed out to Raven. “Don’t blow up anything in the Commander’s city.” 

“No promises,” she replied, causing Clarke to chuckle. 

“Come on, let’s get moving.”  
///  
Clarke watched the trees flash by out the window as they drove down a path. The drive to Polis from Arkadia was around an hour, and every second of it was killing Clarke. She usually was one to pride herself on her patience, but the prospect of seeing Lexa alive again had her anxiously tapping her leg to keep herself from tearing something apart. 

To distract herself from the absurd amount of time it was taking to arrive at the captial Clarke tried to separate her memories. She found her it to be a fickle task. Clarke could remember both instances when she kissed Lexa again. She remembered how it felt, the same emotions she felt in each version, the different outcomes. The worst aspect was that Clarke seemed to remember the City of Light more clearly. Every time she tried to immerse herself in the memories, she couldn’t focus. Everything became hazy and nothing felt real. Clarke was getting so frustrated she was ready to throttle ALIE, even if she was a computer program that she had already destroyed. 

Raven must have noticed her frustrations growing, so she tried to make conversation. “So, you and the Commander, how did that become a thing?” 

“Please, can you call her Lexa when we aren’t surrounded by people?” Clarke asked. Lexa deserved to be remembered as both heda and Lexa. Both of them were brilliant, and Clarke loved them equally. 

“Yeah, fine. So, you and Lexa, how did that become a thing?” Raven asked again. Clarke sighed, and answered the girl. 

“She kissed me.” 

“She kissed you? Seriously?” Raven exclaimed. “She seems the type to angst silently over her feelings for years but never act on them out of fear of you not reciprocating.” 

“No, she made the first move,” Clarke said, feeling herself begin to blush. She avoided Raven at all costs, turning to watch the trees again. 

“When did this happen?” Raven asked, glancing from the road to Clarke. 

“Just before the attack on the mountain,” Clarke replied, still looking out the window when she heard Raven make a strangled noise. 

“What?!? She kissed you before the mountain and none of us knew?” Raven was shocked, and Clarke was secretly pleased to get this reaction out of the older woman. 

“Can you please focus on driving? I want to make it to Polis is one piece.”  
///  
Clarke was starting to hyperventilate by the time she and Raven reached the city limits. The voice in her head that sounded a lot like her mother was telling her that she close to having another panic attack and to calm her breathing but Clarke couldn’t focus on her breathing. She could see the tower in the city centre, and the overwhelming prospect of Lexa being here and alive was slowly killing her. She was so close, yet so far. 

Clarke was beginning to seriously regret taking Raven to Polis with her. She felt horrible for thinking it, but slowly making her way towards the tower was driving her crazy. This was Raven’s first time in Polis and she rightfully wanted to look around at the beauty of it. Finally loosing her patience, Clarke grabbed Raven by the arm and dragged her in the direction of the tower. “I will buy you whatever you tomorrow if we can go straight to the tower.”

Raven smirked, pleased with the offer. “I’ll take you up on that, Griffin.” 

Clarke was willing to sprint through the market, but she was forced to go at a slow pace due to Raven’s leg. It was better in this world, thankfully. Her mum had been able to fix most of Raven’s pain thanks to the medical equipment on Mount Weather, but there still some permanent damage from the bullet wound. She still limped, but could move with much more ease. 

Finally they reached the base of the tower. Clarke tilted her head back to see the top. She wondered if Lexa was in her room, or fulfilling her duty as heda in the throne room. Any thought she had of Lexa being alive and living caused hope to flood her chest, and she felt the beginnings of tears in her eyes. 

Spotting the two guards watching over the entrance of the tower Clarke was pleased to recognize one of them. She hurriedly made her way to them, watching their surprised expressions when they recognized her. 

“Ryder,

 _is the commander in the tower? I have pressing matters to discuss with her_ ,” she asked in trigedasleng, not paying attention to Raven’s shocked face when she spoke the grounder’s language. 

_"She and the flamekeeper are training with the nightbloods this morning_ , wanheda” Ryder responded. Clarke took a deep breathe, trying to settle her racing heart. “

 _"Okay. Is my room as it was before I left?_ ” “

 _"Heda has left your rooms untouched awaiting your return,_ ” Ryder said, causing Clarke to nod. “

 _"Can somebody take my friend up there to wait while I talk to the commander? Maybe a handmaiden can run her a bath?_ ” “

 _"It will be done._ ” 

Clarke turned back to her friend while the other guard went inside to find someone to escort Raven. “Someone will take you up to my rooms. You can wait there while I go find Lexa. Have a bath, relax, do not leave and do not break anything.”

“Buzzkill,” Raven mumbled as the second guard returned with a handmaiden. “Go get your girl Griffin. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

“Raven that’s terrible advice,” Clarke said, amused.

“Stop lying to yourself Clarke. Always strive to be me,” Raven spoke before heading through the doors. “I hope you people don’t expect me to climb all the way to the top of this thing, because that is certainly not happening.”

Clarke quietly laughed at her friends antics, before taking off in the direction of the nightbloods training area.

  
///  


As soon as she was outside of the bustling city centre Clarke broke into a run. The nightbloods trained on a field on the outskirts of the city, surrounded by trees. The closer Clarke got, the more she felt like she might combust from the anxiety she was feeling. The nearer she got to Lexa the more vivid the flashbacks Clarke had of her death. At some points in her journey Lexa’s dead body was all she could see, causing her to trip up her steps. She could feel tears wet her cheeks, but Clarke had no memory of when she started crying.

Once passed the tree line Clarke paused for a moment to catch her breath. She still had some ways to go to find the carefully hidden training ground. Clarke had been with Lexa once before to oversee nightblood training, but remembered the way.

After a few more minutes of desperately hiking through trees Clarke reached the training ground. There were guards standing watch, but they were so accustomed to Lexa letting Clarke through that they didn’t stop her from walking past them. Clarke walked over the crescent and into the grove and felt her heart drop out of her chest.

There she was, sparring with the nightbloods. Clarke froze, suddenly unable to move. She took all of her in, revelling in the sight of her body living and breathing again. Her hair was pulled back out of her face, the symbol of heda in between her eyes. Her face was stoic and calm in her instruction, but her eyes shone as she play fought the children. In that moment, Clarke had never thought she has looked more beautiful.

Titus was the first to spot her. He was looking at her disapprovingly, most likely mad at her interruption, but Clarke didn’t care. All she could see was Lexa. Suddenly she couldn’t wait any longer, and Clarke took off in Lexa’s direction and launched herself at the other girl. Clarke clung to the woman she loved, burying herself in the crook of her neck, and cried tears of relief.

Lexa was obviously not expecting Clarke to show up unannounced and throw herself at her, but managed well. She was holding a wooden sword in one hand that she was using to spar, which quickly got discarded when she had to catch the blonde. Lexa stiffened at the unexpected contact, but still brought her arms around Clarke’s back to hold on.

Lexa was just about to say something to Clarke when she felt the tears soak the shoulders of her shirt. She quickly went from confused to concerned, motioning to Titus to take the nightbloods back to the city and shouting dismissed to the children. She didn’t miss the look Aden gave her as he walked passed, but chose to ignore it and comfort Clarke.

  
///  


“Clarke, shh, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” Clarke heard Lexa whisper to her quietly. She lifted her head up from Lexa’s shoulder and tried to whip her eyes dry. Looking away from Lexa she noticed they were suddenly alone. Overwhelmed with the woman standing before her miraculously, Clarke turned back and kissed Lexa.

She tried to pour everything she's felt over the past few weeks into the kiss. All of the heartbreak she felt, the emptiness inside her that hasn’t left since Lexa died, just how much she missed her in everyday life. It wasn’t enough, kissing her wasn’t enough, and Clarke’s hands went from Lexa’s hair to roaming down her back. Abruptly Lexa pulled away from the kiss and put her forehead to Clarke’s.

“Clarke,” she whispered. “What happened in the City of Light?”

“You died,” Clarke whispered back, unable to open her eyes and see Lexa’s filled with sympathy.

“Oh Clarke,” Lexa breathed, gathering her up in her arms and pulling her close. “I’m here. My spirit has stayed where it is.”

In Lexa’s arms among the trees, Clarke finally felt whole again.

  
///  


“Let me get this straight,” Raven said, both of them in Clarke’s rooms in Polis. “You jumped the Commander in front of a group of children and a pissy bald dude.” Clarke shook her head, not bothering to give Raven the reaction she wanted. Clarke was standing at her window, watching the sun set over the city. She had forgotten how much she loved the sight. Raven was lying on the couch in Clarke’s living area, clearly enjoying the luxury of Polis.

“I did not jump the Commander in front of children,” Clarke replied, turning away from the window once the last remnants of sun had disappeared from the horizon.

“Okay, you flung yourself at her at great speed,” Raven argued. “And then once all the kids had gone you jumped her.”

“Oh my god Raven,” Clarke groaned. “I did not have sex in a forest surrounded by guards.” She moved and settled on the arm of the couch Raven was on.

“How am I supposed to know that,” Raven said, sitting up. “You were gone over two hours.” Clarke looked around for the nearest thing to throw at Raven. Finding one of Lexa’s books she must have left in her room before Clarke returned to Arkaida, she picked it up and tossed it at her friend.

“Go to sleep, you ass,” Clarke said. “I’ll take the couch tonight.”

“No,” Raven immediately countered. “This is your room. I can take the couch.”

“Raven, it’s just for one night. I’ve slept on both before, they are equally comfortable. Plus, you’re going to need your full strength if you’re dragging me through the market tomorrow.” Clarke could tell Raven wasn’t completely fine with taking her bed, but conceded to Clarke’s argument.

“Fine, but I better get the best sleep on my life in this fancy ass bed. That thing is the craziest piece of furniture I’ve ever seen.” Raven got up and headed towards the bed before collapsing on it. As she sunk into the mattress, she released a groan. “Oh my god this is amazing. I change my mind Griffin you can take up permanent residence on the couch.”

Clarke chuckled at the sight of her friend trying to bury herself in the furs on her bed. “Lexa’s bed is even fancier than mine.”

Raven poked her head up to stare at Clarke. “Why am I not surprised. She takes everything to the next level.”

“Good night Raven,” Clarke said, walking around her room putting out the candles.

“Sleep tight princess.”

  
///  


Clarke woke up screaming.

That wasn’t anything she was unused to, but the breath that usually came after she awoke screaming never followed. She just choked on the sob that came up from her throat and cursed her dreams for being so cruel.

What kind of subconscious would let her dream that Lexa was alive. That her dying was the dream. No one deserved that type of torture, but apparently Clarke thought she did. If Clarke’s dreams were filled with Lexa and her days void of her, Clarke was never sleeping again.

Clarke heard a muffled yelp and crash from somewhere in the room, but was crying too hard to focus on what was happening. Soon there were hands on her, trying to shake her and stop her from crying, but she still couldn’t breathe. Her chest was frozen from fear, and her lungs longed for someone that didn’t exist.

She doesn’t know how long sat huddled on the couch trying to stop the ache in her heart that she knew would never go away. Her breathing had evened out a bit more by the time Raven had returned to the room. Clarke doesn’t remember her leaving, but she hears feet walk towards her and someone excusing Raven and no she’s awake she can’t be here when Clarke is awake it’s hard enough without her and her breathing has become sporadic again.

Clarke feels someone sit beside her on the couch, but Clarke can’t open her eyes. Seeing her would mean she can’t deny it, and Clarke lives in denial.

“Clarke, look at me,” Clarke hears her whisper, but she shakes her head.

“You’re dead, you’re not here, I’m dreaming, this is all a dream, you’re dead,” she repeats it like a mantra. She hopes if she says it enough she’ll believe it and will be able to move on.

“I’m not dead,” Lexa says, touching Clarke’s knee as a way to prove her existence.

“Yes you are. I watched you die, I watched your spirit being removed, I let Titus cut into you after he shot you and I let you die when I should have tried harder to save you and I let someone else become heda when it should’ve been you. It should always be you.” If Lexa was phased by any of Clarke’s words she didn’t show it. She just held her close and reassured her that she was alive, that wasn’t real and never happened, that her death was the dream. She managed to do a good job at convincing her, because eventually she fell asleep.

  
///  


“I regret everything that has led me to this moment in my life,” Clarke said, watching Raven methodically search through the selection of wires and junk on the vendor's table.

“We both know that is a lie Griffin,” Raven replied, not looking up from the electronic she was inspecting.

“Yeah, I suppose I just regret bringing you to this city and saying things like ‘I'll buy you whatever you want.’ That was the real mistake.” Raven finally turned around from the table and raised an eyebrow at her.

“That really was your fault,” she said. “You could've played the sympathy card. I am not heartless I would have booked it for you to see you not-dead girlfriend.” Clarke groaned, realizing she was probably right. She walked up to the grounder that owned the stand and payed him for what Raven was holding.

“Come on, let's go somewhere else. I do actually want to buy some art supplies for myself.”

Thankfully Raven was happy with what she had and didn't complain too much to being dragged away.

After visiting the shop with the charcoals Clarke liked she was a little more gracious towards being dragged around the market. It was nice to be in the city center again. She missed the lively atmosphere that wasn't tainted by death.

Raven was being fully immersed in the market, traveling from one stall to the next. Clarke could see the clear happiness on her face, a fact for which Clarke was grateful. Raven has had such a rough time since landing on earth. She deserved these moments of happiness.

Just when Clarke thought Raven was nearing the end of her market excursion she spotted a mop of blond hair in the crowd. It was heading right for her too.

“Aden, what are you doing in the market? Don’t you have training to be doing?” Clarke asked once he was before her.

“Heda gives us days off occasionally, today is one of those days. And I wanted to see you. I missed having you around, and I know heda did too,” the boy said, walking with them.

Raven snorted. “I can’t believe the two of you have adopted a child before I even knew of the relationship.”

“Shut up,” Clarke said to Raven before turning back to address Aden. “I missed you too. There’s a distinct lack of nightbloods in Arkadia.”

Raven stopped walking and looked at a different vendor’s table off to the side of a road. “Yeah,” she said, motioning back to the boy. “What does nightblood even mean. It is a pretty kickass name. Is it like grounder kindergarten?” Clarke was ready to hold back the boy from Raven, but instead she saw Aden stand up straighter and tilt his head towards Raven in a way that was so completely Lexa-like she was sure she was looking at the actual heda.

“Nightbloods are the initiates of the heda. When she dies there will be a conclave and one of us will be the new heda, which hopefully will not be for a long time,” Aden explain, causing Clarke to flash back to Lexa’s death, the ridiculous choosing ceremony, the overwhelming need to kick Titus off a building, and she again she couldn’t breathe.

“Hey kid, let’s not mention a certain leader’s deaths for a while okay?” Raven spoke, bringing Clarke out of the past and into the present. She focused her eyes to see Raven looking at her, concern in her eyes. Aden too was peering at her curiously, wondering what had set Clarke off like that. She shook her head, getting the last remnants of Lexa’s funeral and the resulting conclave from her mind.

“Why don’t you show us your favourite part of Polis Aden?” Clarke asked distracting the boy. “It’s Raven’s first time and she hasn’t seen much of this city yet.”

“Of course,” he said, scampering off in one direction, leaving Clarke and Raven to follow behind.

  
///  


“Ontari slaughtered all the nightbloods,” Clarke said, not facing Lexa. She was watching the sunset from her balcony. Lexa was quietly preparing for bed in the far corner of the room. She had decided that Clarke should sleep in her room until she got the City of Light visions out of her head enough so that she could sleep without waking panicked. Clarke needed to fill the quiet air with sounds, but she couldn’t look her in the eyes as she talked. “The blockade was going up around Arkadia and I was just about to leave before the kill order took effect, but you died. And as ambassador I had to stay for the ceremony. Aden wasn’t you, but he was still going to be a great leader. And the night before the conclave, she snuck into their sanctuary and slaughtered them all while they slept.”

Clarke paused, finally turning around to meet Lexa’s horror filled eyes. “It was horrible. Two days previous I had watched you bleed out on my bed, your black blood staining the furs. I never wanted to see black blood spilt again. And then she spilt every possible drop she could. Just to be commander.”

Clarke couldn’t keep this story in anymore. Seeing Aden today, hearing him talk about the nightbloods, it was too much to keep inside. “I wanted to kill her. I’ve never wanted to kill someone that much in my life, but Titus held me back. He started saying some crap about how there always needs to be a nightblood alive to be Commander, how she killed them all so she could rule but we couldn’t punish her for it, but I didn’t care. He was the reason we were in this mess to begin with.” Clarke had moved and sat down on the couch, Lexa meeting her there. She held Clarke’s hands as she spoke, not speaking once.

“I nearly didn’t go to her coronation,” she whispered to Lexa. “It killed me to know that after the horrors she did, murdering all those kids, that she would have a piece of you. She could talk to you in her sleep, had your personality embedded in her spinal chord, and I had nothing.”

Lexa was silent for a moment, most likely waiting to see if Clarke had anything more to say. When Clarke stayed silent, Lexa spoke. “Ontari was a nightblood the same time I was.”

“The eighth initiate,” Clarke gasped. “The one missing from your tattoo.” Clarke was met by a confused glance from Lexa.

“When did you see my tattoo?” Lexa asked, genuinely confused. “And I never explained its meaning to you.”

Clarke could feel herself beginning to blush. She forgot that in this world they haven’t slept together yet. “Um, yeah, in the City of Light, I saw it there.” Lexa still looked confused, and when she was confused Clarke thought she looked extremely cute but would never say it aloud, but seemed to accept her explanation.

“A part of the conclave is a fight to the death. The nightbloods remaining enter, and only one emerges. That is the final test,” Lexa explained. “Ontari was caught cheating during the fight. She was found with poison on her blade before we could finish. The two of us were the only ones left. Instead of killing her for treason, the first act I did as heda was to banish her as traitor. No one would take her seriously, as nightblood traditions are highly regarded in our culture, and she would have to live with her shame for the rest of her life. I expected her to last a few years at most, not return to Azgeda and serve the queen. I’m sorry I never killed her when I had the chance.”

Clarke threw her arms around Lexa and held her close. This was the first time she had ever spoken about conclave, and Clarke knew how hard it was for her to open up. “How old were you?”

“Around 14 summers, I think” Lexa whispered into Clarke’s hair, and she felt her eyes fill with tears at the thought of little Lexa being forced to kill the kids she had grown up with.

“I am so amazed by you Lexa,” she said, making sure Lexa was looking her in the eyes. “You have been condition for nothing but war and violence your entire life, yet all you’ve done is strive for peace. And now you have it.”

Lexa gave her a watery smile. “Thanks to you.”

Clarke put her forehead to Lexa’s and closed her eyes. Here, with Lexa, she felt at home. “Now we have peace.”


	2. be the one to take me home and show me the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took forever. Im a terrible writer and calculus is kicking my ass.

“Everything is ready for your absence, heda,” Titus said, drawing Clarke out of her trance. It's been two weeks since she returned to Polis, and Clarke was just getting back into the swing of her ambassadorial duties. She had to take time to go over with Lexa the exact events that happened in this reality, and even more time going over the details in private, so she wouldn’t slip up and confuse facts in public. It took a lot of effort some days; days when Lexa is so busy Clarke barely sees her and the City of Light illusion settles in front of her eyes. 

She was currently sitting in her chair in the throne room. All the other ambassadors had left as soon as meeting ended, but Clarke had sat and waiting for Lexa to get off her own seat. It had been a few minutes of her unmoving, just staring off into nothingness before Titus spoke. 

“What do you mean, absence?” Clarke asked, watching Lexa snap out of her daze and focus on her advisor. They both ignored her comment. 

“Nothing to occur involving public appearances?” Lexa said, moving slowly off her throne into a standing position. 

“No, heda,” Titus responded. 

“And you can discreetly handle all affairs without ruining the peace,” Lexa asked, carefully eyeing the older man from the foot of her throne. 

“I managed when you were away fighting the war, heda, I can do it for a day.” Lexa rolled her eyes, but managed to keep whatever remark she was thinking in. 

“I expect to hear of nothing but a quiet, problemless day.” 

Titus nodded. “Of course heda.” 

Titus swept out of the room with his final instructions, leaving a confused Clarke with Lexa. 

“You’re going away tomorrow?” Clarke asked, unsure of the feeling she felt in her chest at the thought of Lexa absent for an entire day. 

Lexa nodded, still not looking at Clarke. 

“Where are you going?” She asked, wondering what it took to get the Commander out of Polis and leave Titus in charge. Lexa sighed, but finally looked up and met Clarke’s gaze. 

“Tomorrow’s date is,” Lexa paused, unsure of the word she was looking for. “Special to me. Every year I make it so I can be where I need to without it being common knowledge. Titus usually handles minor affairs and I don’t broadcast my absence so the clan’s don’t know I’m away and try to do something idiotic.” 

“So every year,” Clarke started. “You disappear for a day and nobody notices?” 

“That’s the ideal outcome, yes.” Clarke shook her head, amazed. 

“I have no idea how you pull that off.” 

“Well maybe you can find out if you wish to accompany me.” It took Clarke’s brain a moment to register what Lexa just said to her, and then some more time for her statement to actually sink in. 

“What?” Clarke said, confused. “No I can’t go with you. It’s your one day off all year. You don’t need me dragging around when you can be peaceful away from politics. Lexa you work so hard you deserve a day off and I don’t want to take that from you.” 

Lexa looked at her which such fondness Clarke didn’t think she had ever felt so loved. “Did it ever occur to you that I might want to spend the day with you?” 

Clarke blushed and had to look away from Lexa. “No, but still. I wouldn’t blame you from wanting to get away from this all. I know I do.” Clarke could practically feel Lexa stiffen up and clench her jaw from where she stood. 

“I also,” she heard her mumble “don’t want you to wake up without me and think I am dead.” Clarke could feel her heart burst with affection towards this young leader who cared so much about her. Lexa was absolutely amazing, and Clarke was so lucky to have made her way back to this world with her in it. 

Closing the distance Clarke threw her arms around Lexa’s neck. “I don’t want to wake up without you either,” she whispered into her hair. “But I have to tell Raven I won’t be here for the day and she will not be pleased.”

Lexa scoffed. “Raven’s personal feelings are hardly significant for this occasion.” 

“Well then why are you trying so hard to win her over?” Clarke asked innocently. 

“Oh be quiet.”   
///  
Clarke was not a morning person. 

So when she was jostled awake by Lexa at four in the morning and put on the back of a horse she was not pleased. 

But when Lexa climbed up on the horse behind her and put her arms around her to clutch the reins she felt a little less angry. And if she leant back into Lexa’s chest and closed her eyes she would blame it on the absurd hour.   
///   
Clarke was awoken the second time that morning by Lexa gently jostling her shoulder. This time instead of waking up in Lexa’s soft bed she was currently sat on a horse. Clarke wished she was still in bed. 

Wiping at her eyes, Clarke took in the site around her. They were at the edge of a forest, deep enough within the tree line to not be casually spotted. If she squinted Clarke could see the beginning of a sunrise lighting up a small village to the east. 

Lexa let go of Clarke and slid off the horse once she was certain Clarke was awake enough to not fall off. Clarke followed suit, albeit less gracefully. She stood, a little dazed, as Lexa led the horse to a tree and began to tie her up. 

“Why did you only bring one horse?” Clarke asked, because although thoroughly enjoying riding with Lexa she wondered why she didn’t get her own stead. 

“Two horses are more noticeable than one,” Lexa replied, not looking away from the horse. Once she had finished ensuring that it wouldn’t run away she turned back to Clarke. “I was quite serious when I said I take great lengths to make sure my absence goes unnoticed.” 

 

She gave the horse one final pat before walking back to Clarke. “The horse will be fine here for the day.” 

“Are we going to the village over there?” Clarke asked. 

“Yes.” Lexa seemed nervous at her question but her years of being heda pulled through as she straightened her back and jutted her chin out as she did when dealing with clan leaders. Hoping to ease her tension Clarke reached out and grabbed Lexa’s hand. She rubbed her thumb against Lexa’s and watched her features soften into a smile.   
///  
Lexa pulled Clarke through the still dark village by their still-joined hands. It was still sleeping, and Lexa was moving silently through it. She weaved Clarke through rows of houses until she reached the one she was looking for. 

To Clarke it was no different than any of the other houses. It was the same size, had the same amount of damage to their frames, it was even the same colour as the ones beside it. Clarke was trying to figure out what could be in this particular house that Lexa was looking for when she noticed Lexa taking a knife from one of her thigh holsters. 

“What are you-are you breaking into this house?!?” Clarke angrily whispered, trying not to make much noise and wake the occupants. “You can't break into random people's houses!”

Lexa turned back to look and Clarke and said with a ridiculously serious expression. “Yes I can.” 

“Lexa!” Clarke said, keeping every bit of composure she had to not yell at the other woman. “I am serious. You can’t-” Clarke stopped abruptly to the sound of the door clicking. She looked to see Lexa smirking at her with her ‘I told you so’ face. 

“You were saying?” Clarke was going to kill Lexa for this. That is if someone didn’t kill them first. 

Lexa opened the door slowly and entered the home, motioning for Clarke to follow her. Clarke looked up at the sky, which was turning pink in the sunrise, and cursed this crazy commander she would follow anywhere before entering the home.   
///  
Inside the door was a nice living area that held, among other furniture, a couch with a man sitting on it. Clarke was ashamed to say she jumped and cursed again when she noticed the house’s occupant watching them. But to be fair being caught breaking and entering a house with the Commander of the Thirteen Clans was not something she thought was going to happen on this day off. 

The man looked to be a few years older than Clarke. He had tanned skin with tattoos running across his visible arm and shoulders. He seemed tall, but Clarke couldn't tell exactly how much more than herself from his position sitting on the couch. His hair was dark brown cropped close to his head that curled inwards at the ends towards. But his most distinguished features were his eyes; grey-green that seemed to pierce into her soul with their familiarity. 

“Heda,” he spoke, standing up from the couch. Clarke could fully take him in now, the dull candlelight making his features more pronounced. If she wasn't working on such little sleep Clarke was sure she would have been able to put it together faster, but fear and tiredness left her confused. 

“Mac,” Lexa said, moving further into the house and throwing her arms around the stranger. “I've missed you.” 

“I've missed you too, sister.”  
///   
Why did Lexa have to be so dramatic? 

That was the main thought running through Clarke’s head as she stood shocked in the entranceway of Lexa’s apparent brothers home. 

She thinks her mouth is still open from the surprise of it all-honestly an unmentioned brother-but she hasn't fully regained control of her body before she is noticed. 

“Is that the mighty wanheda I've heard so many people talk about standing in my home?” he asked. Clarke stiffens at her title, coming back to reality. 

Lexa beats her to it, moving to introduce the two. “Mac, this is Clarke,” she said, pulling him towards her. “Clarke, this is Mac. He's my older brother.” 

“You have a secret brother?” If Clarke was spluttering she would completely deny later. “That you secretly visit? By breaking into his house? And you thought I didn’t need to know any of this before we were standing in his house?” 

Clarke threw her hands in the air. “You know what, I don’t even know why I’m surprised. This is exactly something you would do.” 

Clarke heard Mac chuckling. “I like her Lex.” Lexa sighed at the nickname, but conceded the point. 

“I knew you would.” 

The room was silent for a moment, each person taking the others in. After a moment Clarke broke the silence with a question that occurred to her with this revelation. “Does Titus know you come here?”

“I’ve never explicitly said so but I am sure he assumes I do,” Lexa said, noticeably not looking at her brother as she talked. “As you are aware, nightbloods are raised with the mindset that personal attachments are weakness. That includes family. I could never tell Titus that I still see Mac because he would be forced to bar me from seeing him. This is the best way I still can.” Clarke felt her anger flared at the thought of Titus not allowing any nightblood to see their families. Titus attempted to kill Clarke because of Lexa’s feelings for her. He killed Lexa thanks to that mindset. And nightbloods, they were just kids, they needed their families. 

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice centred Clarke. She focussed her eyes and found Lexa standing in front of her, her hands on her shoulders. Her thumbs were running circles across her collarbones, soothing Clarke’s sudden erratic heartbeat. “Come back to me.” 

Clarke took a deep breath to settle herself before speaking. “You need to change the ways Titus raises nightbloods.” 

Lexa bristled at her words. “Clarke I know that-” 

“No Lexa, you don’t. He killed you because of me. What’s to stop him from doing that to Aden, or someone he loves. I know it’s the way it had always been for Commander’s but it needs to stop. You can allow yourself to love.” 

“Lexa died?” Mac said, breaking the two apart from each other. “She’s not dead, unless Skaikru can reverse death now. What are you two talking about?” Lexa and Clarke looked at each other, unsure. Clarke wasn’t sure if she could handle talking about it to Mac yet, she didn’t feel comfortable around him yet. Her eyes pleaded to Lexa to not discuss it. 

“It’s not important,” she said. “But today is.” Clarke looked at Lexa confused. She remember Lexa said the date was important, but with the reveal of her brother she figured it was the one day she could get away to see him. 

“I’m glad you could make it Lex. Even if you brought a guest,” Mac quipped, shooting a grin in Clarke’s direction. His expression quickly turned back to solemn. “I just need to get a few things, then I’ll be ready to go.” Lexa nodded at him, and Mac left room and went further into the house. 

“What’s so important about today?” Clarke asked. 

“Today is the anniversary of our parent’s death,” Lexa said calmly. “They were taken by the mountain eight years ago today.” Her face and posture remained the same, but Clarke could see the sadness in her eyes. She grabbed Lexa’s hand and tugged the other woman closer, enveloping her in a hug. 

“You come here every year to mourn them with your brother,” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s hair, feeling her nod her in affirmation. She felt her heart swell at the woman in her arms, who, despite all her upbringings loved so much. “Go, be with your brother. Catch up, do what you always do. I can stay here and catch up on the sleep I missed.” 

Lexa looked at her with a concerned expression. “Are you sure you’ll be okay sleeping here? What if you wake up and we’re gone?” 

“I’m in your brother’s house, I think that will be enough to assure me. Go,” Clarke told Lexa. She released her from her arms as she talked, looking Lexa in the eyes. When she finished talking she leaned in for a short kiss, then let go. She noticed Mac watching them carefully from the other side the room. She shook her head, pushed Lexa towards her brother, and settled herself on the couch.  
///  
Clarke was awoken by someone shaking her shoulder. That seemed to be happening a lot today. 

She begrudgingly opened her eyes when the person continued to shake her shoulders. Looking around she tried to shake the last of her dreams out of her mind. Clarke’s eyes focused on a pair of green ones in front of her, causing her to calm down. “Lexa.” 

“No, but I am as close as you can get,” came a distinctly male voice. The events of the morning came rushing back. She put her head back of the edge of the couch she was sleeping on. 

“Mac, where’s Lexa?” Clarke asked, still with her eyes closed, dreaming of the sleep that keeps evading her. 

“I told her to catch us some lunch and left her in the forest,” he said, causing Clarke to open her eyes and sit up. 

“And she actually did so?” Clarke asked, not believing for a second that the Commander would listen to her brother and leave Clarke alone for a longer period of time. 

“I also said I wanted to get to know better the woman who holds her heart,” Mac told her, settling down on the couch beside her. 

“Oh god,” Clarke groaned, cursing every possible deity she could think of in her head. 

“Every year Lexa comes to visit me and remember our parents,” Mac started. “And every year I notice her hardening. I understand the world we live in and what she does, as heda. I don’t expect her to be like everyone else. She leads, and does an exemplary job. But it costs her, and not many people notice. Today, she seems happier than she has been in many years. And I wanted to thank you for being there for Lexa.” 

“I will try to always be there for her, and hopefully I can be.” 

Mac glances at her as they sat side by side, giving her a small smile that reminded her so much of Lexa it hurt. “So, tell me, what was space like?”   
///  
“What about you Mac?” Clarke says, finishing up a story about herself. “What does heda’s secret brother do with his time?” Clarke didn’t know how, but she ended up opening herself up to Mac in a way she had never before. Normally she seldom told people about herself, but with him, it was easy. It was like talking to Lexa. 

They were unmistakingly siblings. Clarke knew why Lexa had to keep him away from her to remain unknown; anybody who had seen the two of them interact could tell they were related. Not only did they look alike, with the same colouring, hair, and eyes, but their personalities were similar. Only those close enough to Lexa would be able to tell. Mac was everything Lexa could have been if not called on to lead. He was kind, intelligent, and even though they have spent little time together, Clarke could tell he held the same devotion for their people, though in a smaller scale. Mac was Lexa without the suffering caused from thousands of losses in her shadow. It was like the other side of a coin, or a parallel universe where Lexa had blood as red as hers and the land they lived on was one run on peace. Clarke found herself steadily loving both more and more. 

“Not as much as you, I’m sure,” Mac replied. “Thankfully no war has reached this village in my lifetime. But many have left to go and fight in it.” Clarke knew he was thinking about Lexa as he spoke. 

“Why did you never go fight?” Clarke wondered. Nearly all the grounders she has met seemed blinded by war. It was odd to talk to one that did not desire it, although a huge relief. 

“Oh no,” Mac said, shaking his head at the thought. “I am not the warrior my sister is. I will stick tattooing others.” 

“Wait, you do tattoos?” Clarke said, shocked. 

“Yes, it’s my job here in the village. Some people from other villages will travel here. I am well known for my designs,” Mac told her, his eyes shining. 

“Did you do Lexa’s tattoos? They are beautiful, especially the one on her back. I’ve never seen one like it.” 

Mac chuckled. “Why am I surprised. I could count the number of people who have seen Lexa’s back tattoo well enough to compliment me on it. That has to be one of my favourite works.” 

A thought came to the front of Clarke’s mind, and she felt too strongly about it to let her nervousness stop her. “Will you give me a tattoo?” 

Mac looked over at her surprised. “Now?” 

“I’ll help you design it,” Clarke rambled. “But it’s something I’ve thought about and I really need this. I think it may help with, well, everything.” Clarke paused, taking a breath. She looked and saw Mac giving in to her request. 

“If you are sure.” 

“I am.” Mac nodded. 

“Well then, let’s see this design.”   
///  
Lexa came back when Mac was halfway done applying Clarke’s tattoo. 

They had spent an half hour going over the design. Clarke drew out the main parts, the ones she knew for sure in her head. Mac did the wording, and designed it to best fit her body. When it was drawn out on paper Clarke thought it was perfect. 

Lexa, returning home to find her brother tattooing Clarke randomly, was not pleased. “Two hours was all it took for the two of you to do something idiotic.” 

“Come on Lex,” Mac said, not looking up from Clarke’s back. “We all know that was a huge time frame.” Clarke heard Lexa walking until she saw her crouch down near her head. Clarke shifted slightly, trying to find a better position to lay so she could see Lexa without disturbing Mac. 

“Hey,” she said, looking into Lexa’s eyes. “How was your hunting trip?” 

“Clarke,” Lexa replied, clenching her jaw in the way she does whenever she is frustrated. “Why are you getting a tattoo now?” 

If Clarke could shrug in this position to fake nonchalance, she would do so. But with a very powerful worried girlfriend and said girlfriend’s brother currently stabbing her repeated with ink in her back, she opted for the truth. “I think it might help with the City of Light visions. If I can accept and embrace what happened in a healthy manner, maybe the visions will stop.” 

Clarke had been holding on to the City of Light. She knows she shouldn’t, and how bad it is for her, but she can’t escape it. Everytime she closed her eyes Lexa’s dead body would be there. Every time she saw a gun she thought of how they were used to slaughter innocents, used in Lexa’s killing. Seeing Indra once brought Clarke back to the field. Back to what Skaikru did. With this world in the back of Clarke’s mind she couldn’t trust her people. She can barely stand the thought of them, much less lead them. If Clarke could continue to be who she once was, she needed to release the City of Light. 

“I need this.” Lexa seemed to understand everything Clarke pleaded to her. She had always been able to read Clarke, as Clarke could do to Lexa. It was one of the reasons they worked so well together. She pressed a kiss to Clarke’s forehead before straightening silently. 

“Come find me when it’s done.”   
///  
It was stunning. 

Clarke couldn't look away from her back, thanks to Mac emerging from some part of the house carrying a mirror. She supposed he had one for this exact purpose, but it was still a shock to see. 

Clarke had based it off of Lexa’s back tattoo, in the sense that it started at her neck and traveled down the length of her spine. Her spine still ached due to the endless drilling of needles into her vertebrae but the end result is worth it. 

There are four main shapes along her spine. The first is a star, placed at the bottom of her neck. It will show with some shirts, but that's the only part visible. The star Clarke chose because of her first home. Space is where she was born, and it will always be the beginning of her story. 

(The Polaris connection isn't lost on Clarke, but the grounders here don't yet understand the truth of the thirteenth ship. Clarke hopes it never has to come up.) 

Just below the star is a circle representing the Ark. It was like the one on Lexa’s back, but instead it's inked in. There is a line going through it and beyond the shape, to represent the path of those floated. This is for her father. 

A few inches down her back is the next shape. This one is a triangle, with the Skaikru symbol within its walls. This is the symbol of Wanheda, the persona that followed her for three months as she ran from it in the woods. Now she embraces her legacy, while honouring the lives lost at the mountain. 

The last shape is down near the small of her back. This time it is a square. It is also the largest part of the piece, around the size of her fist. Inside the square is the symbol Lexa wears on her face, the Helm of Awe. Clarke had asked Mac if he knew the design, and tried to perfect what he could remember. She had spent enough time around Lexa while she wore it to explain every detail. The bottom of the square was filled by the City of Light skyline to the best of her memory. This was for Lexa’s death, in both worlds. It served as her reminder of the City of Light reality she lived. It was a ending, a way to move on. 

Connecting all the shapes down her spine was the traveller’s saying. _In peace may you leave the shore_ started around the star and led to the circle. _In love may you find the next_ flowed down her spine to the triangle. _Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground_ connected the triangle to the square. _May we meet again_ was the furthest down her back, with the final lettering reaching the end of her spine. The poem was a promise, to herself, to Lexa. She said her people’s goodbye to Lexa as she died, and Clarke did meet Lexa again. Her words at the base of the mountain also proved to be true. If the two of them were to ever part, they would meet again. 

Clarke could feel tears well up in her eyes as she stared at the design. Mac had done a beautiful job. “It’s perfect. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” he mumbled, before leaving the room. 

A short time later Clarke heard quiet footsteps getting closer. She turned around just in time to see Lexa enter the room. Clarke couldn’t help but notice just how free Lexa looks. Over the course of the day it was like all the weight that came with being heda shed off with every step. Her eyes seemed lighter and her shoulders didn’t carry the decisions of the world. She looked normal, and Clarke was amazed. 

“How does it feel?” Lexa asked, wavering between entering the room and staying in the doorframe. Clarke was wondering why she wouldn’t come closer when she realized that she hadn’t put on a shirt yet. She was trying to respect Clarke’s boundaries in her current state, and Clarke found it adorable. She couldn’t help the little smile that broke over her face with the realization. 

“It feels like I’m a different person,” Clarke says, grabbing her shirt while wondering if she needed to cover the design with anything. It was still sensitive. “And I know I just had someone permanently draw on my back but it feels different. Like it means something.” 

“Wait,” Lexa said before exiting the room abruptly, leaving Clarke confused. She could hear her shout something to her brother in trigedasleng and him shout something in return, but couldn’t make out the words. After a minute Lexa returned wrappings. “Your shirt is too coarse, it will irritate your back.” She found one end of the fabric and handed it to Clarke, placing it on her ribs. She then began to walk around her, wrapping her torso. 

“It does mean something,” she said softly. “In our culture tattoos have many meanings, but foremost they are a symbol of strength and identity. My tattoos aren’t visible so the public will always recognize my face, but they also display a part of me I have to hide from the public. Your tattoo tells your story. It is now an integral part of you.” Lexa ran out of wrappings, Clarke’s entire torso covered. She ties off the ends to ensure it will hold then faces Clarke. 

“You are a different person. Skaikru have had to evolve since landing on the ground, but none more than you. The tattoo is just the final confirmation that you may have been denying yourself.” 

Clarke was silent for a moment, wondering how it was Lexa understood her so well. This tattoo was Clarke’s way of acknowledging the events of her past, while simultaneously giving her the ability to move on. She has been so scared of what happening in the City of Light occurring again. So much so that it would consume her. She would spend hours going over plans to ensure that Lexa wouldn’t die, that Arkadia wouldn’t fall from Kane’s leadership. She spent days thinking of ways to fix what Bellamy and the others had done before realizing that they hadn’t done anything yet. Clarke had thought of more failsafes to make sure Lexa wouldn’t fall from power in the past two weeks than she was sure Titus had in his entire life. 

Now with the mistakes of the past on her back, Clarke could look towards the future. 

Lexa was standing in front of her, close but not touching. Clarke closed the distance between them. Her hand guided Lexa’s head do to hers, and kissed her with all she had. 

Far too soon Lexa pulled away, leaning their foreheads together and leaving Clarke craving the lost connection. “Don’t make me undo all the hard work I just did.” Clarke snorted. 

“Somehow I don’t find myself minding,” she said. “Anyway, you can always put it back on later.” Clarke leaned forward, but Lexa pulled back. 

“Clarke, we can’t” Lexa stated, shaking her head as if to stop herself. “This is my brother’s house.” Clarke knew this, but right now she didn’t care. She had spent the past two weeks resisting Lexa, resisting this, because the last time she truly let herself be happy Lexa died. She feared that if she gave in again, the same outcome would occur. But now, with the reassurance that not everything will happen the same way twice, Clarke was ready. 

A knock on the door vibrated through the house, startling the two of them apart. Clarke sighed and cursed her rotten luck while Lexa jumped into action, grabbing Clarke’s shirt and throwing it at her. Clarke tugged it over her head and followed Lexa as she crept out of the room and made her way towards the front of the house. 

Lexa reached the break in the hall where they remained unseen from the door, but close enough they could hear what was being said. They arrived just as Mac opened the door and greeted whoever was there. 

“Solan, what brings you by today?” Clarke heard Mac ask. 

“I know the date as well as you do Mac,” Solan replied. Clarke doesn't know who this Solan is, but he must know about the siblings parents. She became concerned that this man knew about Lexa, compromising her unknown trip. “I came to wish you well on this anniversary.” 

“I appreciate it Solan. Do you want to come in?” Mac asked, sending Clarke into a near panic. He knew she and Lexa were in the house hiding. What did he think he was doing?

“I would love to,” the man replied. Clarke heard the door shut, and in her panic didn't notice Lexa moving until it was too late. 

“Lexa what the hell?” Clarke whispered, but Lexa was already walking into the entranceway of the house. 

“Solan, it's good to see you,” Lexa said, walking in wearing her Commander persona. 

“Lexa, dear, I was hoping you could make it this year. I wasn't sure, given all the recent events.” Clarke has gone from panic to shock. How many times will Lexa surprise Clarke on this trip. 

“The Skaikru have kept me busy in the capital, but I will always make time to visit Mac today.” Clarke was beginning to wonder if she could hide in this house for the entire time Solan was visiting. It didn't seem that difficult. She just needed to get out of the hallway and into a room. 

She had just gathered enough courage to start her escape when Clarke heard footsteps walking towards her. Mac rounded the corner, nearly giving Clarke a heart attack. “It's okay, you can trust Solan,” he said. Mac grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her into the living area, much to her silent protest. 

“Solan, this is Clarke,” Mac said, walking Clarke into the centre of the room. She got her first look at the new man. Solan was quite possibly the oldest grounder Clarke had seen before. He must've been in his 60’s, with gray hair and wrinkles around his eyes. He looked at her kindly, but Clarke saw the recognition flare in his eyes when he took in her blonde hair and obvious Skaikru nature. 

“Thank you,” Solan tells Clarke, taking her hands in his own. She feels her face contort in confusion. 

“Why are you thanking me? My people have done nothing but cause trouble and death here,” Clarke asks. She can see Lexa carefully watching the exchange from the corner of her eye. Clarke wishing she wasn't so far across the room from her. 

“You defeated our people's greatest enemy,” Solan starts. Clarke winces at the mention of the mountain, but he either doesn't notice or doesn't mention her discomfort. “And now our people are at a peace, something Lexa has wished for since she was a child. The two of you have done wonders for our people. You have done good for us, Clarke, and I and many others would thank you for it.” 

Clarke feels overwhelmed at his kind words. She manages to nod her thanks, not trusting herself to speak. 

Solan turns back to Lexa. “I know you don't wish to be seen around the village, but I would truly appreciate if the three of you joined us for dinner. It's a special day, and you have a special guest. That deserves a celebratory dinner.” 

Lexa looks ready to refuse but Mac beats her to it. “We'd love to come Solan.” 

“Thank you Mac. I'll see you three in the town centre at sun down.” With that Solan took his leave. Once the door was shut, Lexa and Clarke simultaneously turned to Mac and yelled at him.   
///  
“I can’t believe we let Mac talk us into this,” Clarke whispered to Lexa. They were sitting on a log by a giant fire in the town center. The sun had set a short time ago, making the fire the only light source. Even so, Clarke was glad she wore her jacket with the hood to cover up her blonde hair. 

“I wish to be heading back to Polis soon, but I couldn’t refuse Solan’s request,” Lexa said dryly. “Even if he did make the event far too extravagant.” 

Considering the fact that Lexa was the epitome of extravagance Clarke had to hold her tongue, but did concede her point. There was enough wildlife cooking over the fire to feed the entire village, and by the amount of people gathered they all showed up. The center was bustling with people, making it easy for Clarke and Lexa to remain unnoticed thus far. 

“How did Solan pull this off in such sort notice?” Clarke asked, taking in the sight. Nothing exciting has happened yet, but this was the first peaceful grounder gathering she had attended; Clarke had no idea what to expect. 

“Solan is the village leader,” Lexa explained. “And a very good one in fact. He has run this village for a long time, since before I was born. That’s why he knew I’d be here today. He was fond of my parents, and welcomed Titus the day he came to collect me for Polis.” 

“How old were you?” Clarke asks. “When you found out you were a nightblood and taken to train, I mean.” Clarke spots Mac heading towards them, with what looks like food. 

“I believe I had lived through four summers,” Lexa answered, accepting the food Mac gave her. Clarke took her own food, and felt her heart clench. Lexa was barely given any time to live before being conditioned to be Commander. She had no childhood. Clarke thought it made life on the Ark seem preferable in comparison. 

“Now eat up,” Lexa continued. “I want to have a meal, then say goodbye to Solan before heading back to Polis. Sadly, our day is up, brother.”   
///  
It wasn’t that simple. 

The crazy thing Clarke was expecting from the gathering happened right after they had finished eating. She and Lexa had started picking their way through the crowd to thank Solan before slipping away. Before they reached him Clarke heard a drum starting, and cheers erupted in the crowd. There was sudden movement everywhere and Clarke hear Lexa mutter a curse in front of her. 

“What’s happening?” 

“The dancing has started.” If Clarke wasn't being pushed in every direction she would've stopped dead in her tracks. _Dancing._

An idea came into her head and she couldn't push it down. She bubbled with excitement at the thought. It consumed her, the desire. She grabbed Lexa’s hand. “Dance with me.”

Lexa immediately started to refuse. “No Clarke we have to leave-” 

“Dance with me Lexa,” Clarke said more firmly. She meant it and she wasn't leaving until she could dance with the girl she loved. 

Lexa turned around, most likely to argue with her, but paused when she saw the determination on her face. Clarke needed this, and Lexa could see that. “One dance,” she conceded. “And you never mention it again.” 

Clarke grinned, and pulled her in with the mass of dancing people. 

Swaying with Lexa held close, Clarke for the first time in so long, felt safe and at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i don't know anything about tattoos so if anything i wrote in this is wrong sorry   
> also my entire writing motivation comes from seeing clexa stuff and getting really emo about it so this is my coping mechanism

**Author's Note:**

> there will by a second part to this because I'm really high key about the plot but don't know how much time ill have to write it hopefully it will be up soon   
> hmu on tumblr to scream about this stupid plot I'm taking over @superdanverss


End file.
